It didn’t take thousands of miles over ocean and land for me to feel alone. I spent a majority of my time by myself back home. It’s not that I prefer it, but sometimes it’s just easier to just sit there and read or work on something. It comes with being an introverted extrovert and a wallflower.
I won’t dabble into how my life was. I’ve talked about it enough to accept that it wasn’t perfect. I didn’t have my parents always there for me and we never talked about how we felt. I don’t blame them and I’m not mad at them. I spent many years wishing I had a better childhood. To be liked, to be popular, and to be accepted by everyone was what any normal kid wants.
I didn’t realize that years later I would continue to grow towards the inside. Junior high, high school, and college were all huge obstacles for me. Making friends that I could trust and go to with my problems were hard to come by.
It wasn’t until I moved in with my first serious girlfriend that the issues and problems that I kept bottled inside burst out. I had to face all the pent up feelings I had. I felt so awful for putting my girlfriend through it. I sought counseling through my school and realized how distraught I was.
It took a few more relationships and heartbreak for me to finally seek help again. Moving to Oregon was a huge hurdle to get past. I had been living alone and my girlfriend and family were 16 hours away by car. I had never felt so alone. I pulled out a chair and I cried. It was the kind of tears that just came out. It had been years since I cried. My face was sore from the sobs and my eyes hurt from the dried up tears. I had never felt so lost.
My flight from Dallas to Frankfurt was 10 hours and I had only gotten up once. By the time I got out of my seat to go pee, I had about 2 cups of wine and a cup of Bailey’s on the rocks. I nearly blacked out from the rush of blood heading back to my legs. I never really drank until I moved to Oregon. Perhaps it was a reason to forget or just something to do when I was at home.
I wish I were different here in Ghana. Just to take on a different persona and be someone more interesting that people would want to be around. I might just be hard on myself. I don’t like having to think about what I want to say all the time. I hate being a textbook over-thinker. I can’t help it. I feel so alone sometimes even when I’m not. In those moments I have to just close my eyes and keep to myself or go off somewhere to be by myself.
Space is so important.