The other day, I witnessed a live interview with a man they call the “love doctor”; apparently well-known in Ghana (as stated by himself), he used to have his own show where he would give relationship and romance advice. Sitting in on this interview brought many ideas and emotions to the front of my mind and caused me to see firsthand the stark differences between my country and his.
First, I’ll humor those ideas of his that agreed with me.
- You cannot have a good relationship with someone if you do not have one with yourself.
I appreciated this because, while cheesy and often reiterated, these words rang true; in order to be the most confident with anyone, you really must know and be comfortable with yourself as an individual. I have learned to understand the importance of this throughout my life thus far, whether it be with friendships or romantic relationships and liked that he felt it was also of great importance.
- You and your partner must both have the drive to succeed.
Whether it be towards life, finances, accomplishments or family, it’s important each partner has a goal they seek to succeed in. I fully agree with this. I recently heard someone compare life to driving a car; you can either sit in the passenger seat or you can be the driver. It is one thing to go with the flow of a relationship, but the road your partner is taking may not be the route you had planned to go. (Maybe your partner prefers the oceanic coastal route while you enjoy the inland, pine covered hills!) It is important to remember to grasp the wheel and take yourself where you’d like to go because while you can enjoy the scenery of your partner’s route, you are not living your most fulfilled life without also taking yours for yourself at times.
The man’s interview lacked the latter romanticized car metaphors, but what he did speak of highlighted the same importance of wanting individual success for both partners, which I agree is very healthy, especially for a relationship that is headed long-term.
Now, moving on to some differences in opinion…
I knew I would face differences in culture, especially in relation to gender norms, when coming to Ghana. By the way I have observed women both at work, in the streets, and on TV, I definitely see that Ghana has a long way to go in terms of gender equality. While reading about these ideas and preparing myself for what it might be like, having been used to the progressiveness of the US, I still manage to be taken aback in certain situations.
My coworker Kwaku, a young man about my age, was conducting the interview with the love doctor. When the man started bringing up the importance of the wife’s duties at home, Kwaku began to ask him his opinion on career women. While I cannot accurately quote all he said, it went a little something like this:
Love Doctor: Yes, it’s important women have jobs today too to help with the money. Ladies can’t just expect to spend all the man’s money because that is needed for the family and bills. She should also work for extra money to buy clothes and make herself look nice for her husband.
*The man continues as I cringe a bit for my fellow ladies
Love Doctor: But the woman should also not forget that she is the mother and wife, and she must be always doing her job at home as well.
Kwaku: But what about women these days who are more independent? Especially in the west, we see ladies who are wanting more than just to be a mother or wife at home.
Love Doctor: You see, that’s a problem. That is why working women in the west are single; they are trying to be like men with careers and men don’t want to marry another man. It’s okay for a woman to be like a man at work, but once she comes back home she must remember that she is the wife and do her wifely duties for her husband.
*More internal cringing
Kwaku: But today especially it is very important for women to feel equal to men.
Love Doctor: Yes, and women and men ARE equal! (*Puts both hands out flat to symbolize equality. ) But the man is the king. *Raises one hand above the other
…
At the end of the interview, the man asked if I had enjoyed it. Being the only girl and only foreigner in the room, I chose not to voice my true opinion; while I feel very strongly on issues of gender equality, who am I to impose on a country’s culture and progress? Taking what they said with a grain of salt, I really just felt lucky to be an American citizen. While my own country has several faults of its own and we are not at the level of equality we should be seeing in the year 2018, we still have so much more then we realize. I’m unsure how I would feel about these gender norms if I was a Ghanaian woman; I wonder if I was mostly bothered by these stereotypes because I actually know the difference of having that particular freedom.
Discussing this with another coworker my age, Ema, I mentioned I also often felt bad for men in the way they are expected to be. He mentioned how here (like America in many instances), the man is typically expected to pay the girl’s way. However, he said it even goes as far as them paying the girl’s fees, tuition, and rent when they are even only dating. That’s a lot. We talked about the concept of a stay-at-home dad and he was appalled to learn that it was not just seen in the movies. Our conversation ended with him expressing a new desire to move to the states to be able to stay home with his children because, well simply, “that sounds nice”.
